Lighten Up Doc

Doctors don’t have good senses of humor.  (They don’t have good help at their offices or good time management skills either but those are other posts.)

At my last check up when Heir Doctor told me to bend over for my prostate check, I asked him if he’d call me LuAnn this time.  No response.  When he was done, I asked him if he was sure he didn’t want to go again.  Stone face.

I had my 4th colonoscopy.  (I can hear you all saying “Oh great!  Another old guy detailing his colonoscopy for us!  What joy!”)  Well no.  I’m not going to do that.  It just seems to me that doctors and nurses need to lighten up a bit.  I know how hard their jobs are….or at least I assume they are hard since they are usually in really bad moods….but would it hurt to at least snicker when a patient surprises you with his rapier-like wit?

While in pre-op countless people stop by and ask the same exact questions.  “Hi!  My name is Arthur and today I’ll be your operative technician in charge of one of the machines that goes ‘beep’.  What will the doctor be doing today?”  If Arthur doesn’t know what the doctor will be doing, how does he know his services on one of the machines that goes ‘beep’ will be required?  Yeah, I know, I know.  Redundancy is better than a mistake and precautions have to be in place…..uh huh.  So I tell Arthur “Boy you know I haven’t quite decided yet.  Maybe if you bring me another drink and make a recommendation I’ll choose my procedure du jour in about 15 minutes or so.  How does the colonoscopy look today?”   Nothing.  Blank fucking stare.

The next one comes by “Hi.  My name is Whatilda and I’ll be your nurse today in charge of sticking patches to your body.  What will the doctor be doing today?”  Me:  “Well once I’m out, he can pretty much do whatever the hell he wants, can’t he?  I’m guessing he’ll take a quick peek at my butt then maybe get in a quick 18 holes (I really do slay myself) before lunch…but as I say, it’s really out of my hands.  Check with him if you need to be sure.”  Nothing.  Come on!  Tough room.  Lighten up folks.  This is some good stuff.

Next up.  “Hi.  I’m Keith.  I’ll be your nurse in charge of (phone rings) sorry I have to get this.”  Me:  “Please do.  It’s probably for me.  I’m expecting a call from my bookie.  If it’s him tell I want 2 large on Light My Fire in the 5th race.”   At least that one got a reaction.  Yes, that reaction was a sour faced scowl but it was a reaction.

Next it was 2 guys already in scrubs with masks.  “I’m Jerry.”  “And I’m Dean.  We’ll be your anesthetists today.  It says this is already your 4th colonoscopy.  Why so many?”  Me: “Are you kidding me? These things are the bomb!  I mean, what do you do for fun?”  Dean, without as much as a grin: “Uh-huh”  So I keep pushing.  “It’s not me.  It’s the Doctor.  He’s one who keeps wanting to play with my butt all the time.  I think that’s a little strange, don’t you?”  Nothing.

Then we’re in the actual procedure room.  Jerry: “OK I’m going to give you the stuff that will make you sleep now,”  Me:  “No.  You can’t.  I mean it’s not fair.  I slipped Dean twenty bucks to upgrade me to the really good stuff.  Where’s Dean?”  Jerry “He took off with your money, dude.  Sorry.”  Hey!!!!!! A response.  Finally!  Hey, everybody!  Jerry has a sense of humo……zzzzzzzzzzzz

15 responses to this post.

  1. Humor seems to confuse medical personnel.

    Reply

  2. IDK about “rapier-like”, but I’d be comfy with “butter knife-like”. LOL ;)

    funny shit dude!

    Reply

  3. Hope the procedure all went well and had happy results.

    Once had a check done there and once the doc started, said “What? No drinks? No dinner?”
    He laughed, but I can’t imagine he hadn’t heard that before.

    Reply

    • Try this Guap: Immediately following your next prostate exam put your hand out to your Dr. and say “That’ll be $20 copay. Your HMO will cover the rest of my normal fee. Trust me, you’re saving a bunch.”

      Reply

  4. Could we go back to the ‘good office help’ part? I got stuck on that after an infuriating scene at my doctor’s office last week. Now I’m mad all over again. :-)

    Reply

    • I sensed I was “this close to losing my shit” in tandem with someone last week. Now I know it was you, Hippie. I got so pissed with the incompetence over the phone and their blatant lack of ability to effing listen, I drove down there the next morning and was waiting for them when they opened. That got their attention….that, accompanied with the steam shooting out of my ears.
      So do your breathing exercises and if that doesn’t work, try 2 martinis.

      Reply

  5. I don’t know how you can have any humor left after dealing with all of the the pre-colonoscopy fun. You are a far better person than I!

    Reply

    • Well they say you need to be “clean as a whistle” (a saying I never understood because whistles are disgusting if you think about it) So I keep trying to learn to “whistle a happy tune” If I can manage that maybe I’d get a better reaction from them.

      Reply

  6. You’d think people who spend their day putting stuff in other people’s butts would be funnier.

    Reply

  7. Well that entertaining read has just put me off ever submitting myself for one of these procedures……I get all the fun I need visiting the dentist.

    Reply

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