A Different Football Coach

The South Florida Bulls (located in Tampa) fired their football coach recently.  Yesterday in the newspaper there was an article informing us that the new coach has proclaimed that his team was going to be physical.

Wow.  That sounds like a really good plan…since it’s football.

I can see why they hired him.  That’s seems like a solid approach.

It got me wondering if maybe during the interview process they ran into a couple of guys who had different ideas.  Guys who said:

“My team will not be physical.”

“My team will be highly trained to avoid contact.”

“My team offensively, will NOT try to establish the run.  Ever.”

“My team defensively, will never attempt to stop the run.”

“I believe in letting the other team out work us.”

“We will not waste our time emphasizing ball security.”

“I’m going to make sure we don’t play hard for a full 60 minutes”

“Our opponents say they ‘come to play’.  We don’t.  We come to eyeball their cheerleaders.”

“I’m looking for the type of player who can put the I in team.”

“For our non-conference games, we are going to try to schedule a bunch of pussies,”

“Practice is for losers.”

“We plan to lead the league in camera shots of the head coach on the sideline.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about special teams.”

“As far as communicating with my players goes, my door will always be slammed in their stupid faces.”

“Recruiting is over rated.”

“Our goal is to finish last in our conference…dead last.”

“I don’t want the drug users, I want the dealers.”

“We’ll fill our sideline bottles with 12 year old scotch.”

“A straight A student can’t be on my team. I hate those poindexters.  Fuck Academics.”

“I’ve already committed 4 NCAA violations and you haven’t even hired me yet.”

“I know which refs are on the take.  Our boosters will need to pony up, in the right places…if you know what I mean.”

“Just so we’re clear…I get to bang the secretaries, don’t I?”

Don’t Give Me Any Of That Crap!

Comedian Ron White asked, “Have you ever taking a crap so big your pants fit better?”

Well last night at 2:30 I got out of bed and while awake I started thinking about this line of his and its brilliance.  I also started coming up with my own questions.  I leave it to you to figure out what I was doing while these thoughts were running through my head.

1) Did you ever take a crap so big you brought the neighbor’s rottweiler over and showed it to him just to make him jealous?

2) Did you ever take a crap so big when you went back into the living room everyone noticed a marked improvement in your attitude?

3) Did you ever take a crap so big when you rejoined your buddies in the den one of them said, “Look at your face!  Did you just get laid?”

4) Did you ever take a crap so big you brought your 6 year old son in to see it and tell him, “That’s what is now left of your older brother.  You want to piss me off too?”

5) Did you ever take a crap so big you’re sure it felt better than the last time you had sex?

6) Did you ever take a crap so big you thought for sure that would hold you for a week?

7) Did you ever take a crap so big you marked that day on your calendar so you’d remember to commemorate it the next year?

8) Did you ever take a crap so big the only appropriate thing to do after was to remove your hat and bow your head in a moment of silence?

9) Did you ever take a crap so big that after you actually yelled “Ta Da!”?

 

I haven’t posted anything on this blog for 2 months.  After all that time, this is what came to me to write.  Nice.  Classy.

Trick or Treat

Here’s yet another really good reason I’m not a parent:

I’d make my kid dress up as 47% and just stand there with his hand out.

He’d be all “But Dad, I wanna be Batman!”  and I’d be like “Tough crap kid!  You’ll be 47% and you’ll like it.  It’s hysterical.  Trust me.  Now go out there get me a snickers bar.”

More Productive Uses Of Time

The presidential debates were the most boring, predictable waste of time I’ve ever been subjected to.  Even some useless, impeachable events in the Olympics were more compelling.  0% of voters will change their minds because of these idiotic rhetoric fests. (BTW that old bastard Jim Lehrer needs to shut it down already…a substitute 5th grade teacher has more control.)  The next truly “undecided” voter I see will be the first.  Don’t even give me your line of shit.  If the election was held today you’d vote for the same person you are going to vote for in November.  That’s a true fact.  Everyone routing for the red tie thought he did great and everyone routing for the blue tie thought he did great and neither side could believe the shocking analysis that the other tie did well.  Who’d seen that coming?

So I was wondering what else I could be doing with my time that would be more productive:

Create non-Euclidian geometry

Catch up on the 12 years of reality TV I’ve skipped

Chemically analyze the dirt contained in a well-used dollar bill

Rewrap the toidy paper backwards just to learn if it would still be used

Respond to all the emo status reports I can find on Facebook

Start the al-Qaeda-Chinese drug cartel-Antarctic Mafia killed JFK conspiracy theory

Count the kernels in a #10 can of corn and check 5 more for consistency  Report findings

Scan all episodes of SNL from the last 20 years to search for something actually funny (actually a productivity tie w/ the debate)

Learn to read, write and speak Klingon…then Romulan

Lick the salt off an entire bag of Fritos  Repeat

Thaw someone who has been cryogenically frozen to see their reaction when you tell them “Just kidding.  We’re not ready yet.  Get back in there.”

Learn why reducing the fat in a food by 25% translates into 95% less flavor

Walk to Utah to see if The Great Salt Lake is still salty

Paint the town red, literally

List something for sale on ebay then start a bidding war against yourself   Never give in

Write a 50,000 word essay describing the fascinating people who watch nothing but The Weather Channel

Create a perfume that perfectly recreates the smell of cat urine…bummer…already been done, eh?  Well, make yours better

Beer

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Things To Do When Your Boss Has A Mental Breakdown

 

So one of my bestest friend’s boss had a mental breakdown…really.  He did.  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.  His nickname is Turdman if that gives you an idea.  My friend and I have been exchanging ideas about the right way to handle this.  Here are some ideas:

1) Move all of the furniture out of his office, leaving only his personal belongings in a pile in the middle of his office floor.

2) Glue said belongings to said floor.

3) Leave a large chart on his wall showing the office pool with the dates each employee selected for the day the boss would be institutionalized. Have big congratulations notes written all over it for the winner.

4) Relocate the entire operation and don’t give him the new address.  Leave him a note for when he comes back saying you’ll be back, please wait.

5) Take notes on every conversation, phone call (including wrong numbers), email (including spam), question, employee movement (including bathroom breaks) and written item that comes in during his absence, record each on a sticky note and cover his car with them.

6) Replace his anti-psychotic pills with psychotic pills…something like LSD.

7) Call him while he’s “resting and recovering at home” and say there’s an emergency but you’ll guess you’ll just have to make the big decision since he wigged out and then hang up.

8) Send him at get well soon card but point out that everyone simply refused to sign it.

9) Write a memorandum to the corporate CEO saying how incredibly high both morale and productivity have been since your boss finally lost his shit and accidentally include a copy inside the get well soon card.

10) Get a recording of “They’re Coming To Take Me Away” and pipe it into his house.

 

 

Shocker! More Crap That Bugs Me……I don’t Know Why….Sue My Parents….They Made Me.

You know how I am.  (If you don’t just pretend and play along)  I was commenting on a post (again) and emailing Blue (again) and some things popped up that bother me.  I don’t know why these things bother me but they do.  So I had to write about them.  I know, shocker!

The old saying “clean as a whistle” is one of the stupidest sayings I’ve ever heard and yet it is commonly used.  Think about that one for a while.  Can you think of anything as disgustingly filthy as a whistle?  Picture a ref at a football or basketball game.  (Bear with me non-sports fans, this isn’t a sports take it’s a whistle take.)  He runs around sweating like a pig and salivating like an overweight black lab, blowing constantly into his damn whistle.  Can you imagine how that bad boy would smell after the game?  What if he’s a smoker or worse yet a tobacco chewer?  What if he needs a belt of whiskey (strictly for medicinal purposes) before each game and during his halftime break?  What if he doesn’t have good oral hygiene?  What if he had a garlic onion limburger sandwich for lunch?  Nope.  Anyway you look at it, a whistle is not clean.  Stop saying that.

Another thing that struck me as stupid or at best unnecessary is the word “past.”  We already have the word “passed” as in the times passed you by.  Since something in the past is actually something from a time which has passed, we don’t need two different words here.  Who decided past was required?  The past tense of pass is passed.  Why can’t it be: the passed tense of pass is passed?  Isn’t history things that happened in the passed?  I call superfluous wordage!

Lighten Up Doc

Doctors don’t have good senses of humor.  (They don’t have good help at their offices or good time management skills either but those are other posts.)

At my last check up when Heir Doctor told me to bend over for my prostate check, I asked him if he’d call me LuAnn this time.  No response.  When he was done, I asked him if he was sure he didn’t want to go again.  Stone face.

I had my 4^th colonoscopy.  (I can hear you all saying “Oh great!  Another old guy detailing his colonoscopy for us!  What joy!”)  Well no.  I’m not going to do that.  It just seems to me that doctors and nurses need to lighten up a bit.  I know how hard their jobs are….or at least I assume they are hard since they are usually in really bad moods….but would it hurt to at least snicker when a patient surprises you with his rapier-like wit?

While in pre-op countless people stop by and ask the same exact questions.  “Hi!  My name is Arthur and today I’ll be your operative technician in charge of one of the machines that goes ‘beep’.  What will the doctor be doing today?”  If Arthur doesn’t know what the doctor will be doing, how does he know his services on one of the machines that goes ‘beep’ will be required?  Yeah, I know, I know.  Redundancy is better than a mistake and precautions have to be in place…..uh huh.  So I tell Arthur “Boy you know I haven’t quite decided yet.  Maybe if you bring me another drink and make a recommendation I’ll choose my procedure du jour in about 15 minutes or so.  How does the colonoscopy look today?”   Nothing.  Blank fucking stare.

The next one comes by “Hi.  My name is Whatilda and I’ll be your nurse today in charge of sticking patches to your body.  What will the doctor be doing today?”  Me:  “Well once I’m out, he can pretty much do whatever the hell he wants, can’t he?  I’m guessing he’ll take a quick peek at my butt then maybe get in a quick 18 holes (I really do slay myself) before lunch…but as I say, it’s really out of my hands.  Check with him if you need to be sure.”  Nothing.  Come on!  Tough room.  Lighten up folks.  This is some good stuff.

Next up.  “Hi.  I’m Keith.  I’ll be your nurse in charge of (phone rings) sorry I have to get this.”  Me:  “Please do.  It’s probably for me.  I’m expecting a call from my bookie.  If it’s him tell I want 2 large on Light My Fire in the 5th race.”   At least that one got a reaction.  Yes, that reaction was a sour faced scowl but it was a reaction.

Next it was 2 guys already in scrubs with masks.  “I’m Jerry.”  “And I’m Dean.  We’ll be your anesthetists today.  It says this is already your 4^th colonoscopy.  Why so many?”  Me: “Are you kidding me? These things are the bomb!  I mean, what do you do for fun?”  Dean, without as much as a grin: “Uh-huh”  So I keep pushing.  “It’s not me.  It’s the Doctor.  He’s one who keeps wanting to play with my butt all the time.  I think that’s a little strange, don’t you?”  Nothing.

Then we’re in the actual procedure room.  Jerry: “OK I’m going to give you the stuff that will make you sleep now,”  Me:  “No.  You can’t.  I mean it’s not fair.  I slipped Dean twenty bucks to upgrade me to the really good stuff.  Where’s Dean?”  Jerry “He took off with your money, dude.  Sorry.”  Hey!!!!!! A response.  Finally!  Hey, everybody!  Jerry has a sense of humo……zzzzzzzzzzzz